I got to talking about parenting the other day in the chat room at addforums.com. I had recently learnt a point about children in trouble or "at risk", that I now believe to be very important in making a way through the mine field of growing up a lot easier for these kids. It was suggested I post some more details surrounding those ideas and here it is. However I am a student not a teacher in this approach.
In short, it is very influential to have the child well bonded to at least one caring adult.
My wife and I have been focused on the principles of 'child resiliency' for a while now and we like the changes.
It means that I have to learn a lot of behaviours that are contrary to how I would normally behave. It's not an easy transition for me but it is having a very good influence on our own sometimes difficult adhd eleven year old.
A google search for 'child resilience' or 'child resiliency' will show a large number of links to add to the snippets I've included below.
The comments about mimicking, tone of voice, being positive, and checking put downs are all things I struggle to get beyond. It's shameful to say these things, but I recognise that it what was normal for my Dad and likely his Dad before him and it was normal for me. Buck stopping is not easy, but something I'm obviously hungry to change always.
ian
p.s. - As I write this there is a piece on my beloved CBC Radio One where a writer is making the point I'm trying to make here, but in relation to daycare agenda. Her point was that the most important feature for any child's life in daycare is whether or not there is at least one caring adult with which the child will be able to create a meaningful bond. The other side of the argument was promoting the importance of academic oriented tasks in daycares.
I expect this whole topic will eventually become forefront in the minds of all involved in early child development but I believe it is just as valid in helping teens and adults. Resiliency in all of us is an admirable goal.
Oct. 31/04
http://www.nacoa.net/walk.htm
Bonding and Attachment
While accurate, age-appropriate information and skill building help COAs immeasurably, perhaps the most important gift is the bonding and attachment children attain in healthy relationships with others. As a result of broken promises, harsh words, and the threat of abuse, children in many alcoholic families learn the "Don't Trust" mantra all too well; silence and isolation can become constant companions. In their book The Resilient Self, Drs. Sybil and Steven Wolin describe "Relationships" as an integral part of the Resilience Mandala. In her research, Werner noted that resilient COAs often had a nurturing adult in their lives.
Building trust is a process, not an event; time is the key. Simply caring about a child is all that it takes to start. Listening, regular time together, playing with, validating, respecting, and empowering a youngster will build a positive connection, for children don't care about how much adults know until they know how much adults care.
As bonding grows, a nurturing adult's words take on added meaning and significance as the youngster deeply considers the source. A child may hear accurate information about alcoholism in a brand new way. Moreover, a kid can build upon his or her strengths and resilience as a result of the conscious modeling provided by that caring adult. There simply can't be resilient children unless resilient adults lead the way. Whether we have children of our own or not, many of us can become a nurturing adult in a young child's life. A youngster desperately in need of such an alliance is very close by.
http://www.cwresource.org/hotTopics.../attachment.htm
Resilience: An individual’s competence and successful adaptation, or “bounce back,” following exposure to significant adversity and stressful life events. Vulnerability is the susceptibility to negative developmental outcomes under high-risk conditions.
This from "Strategies for Behavioural Concerns" for school counsellors. This was published by the Manitoba Government and these are only excerpts that I've chosen from this paper. I have changed some all 'student' entries to be 'children' instead.
"The number one indicator of successfor a child is: A good relationship with a caring adult"
Common Behaviours...
- Apathetic procrastination/dismissal of work
- Defiance/aggression
- Apathetic withdrawal
- Tardiness/notebook and textbooks unavailable
- Taunting/misdirection of others
- Learned helplessness/no homework
- Rudeness/personal verbal attacks
- Rule breaking - particularly remaining seated, on-task and quiet
Principles to Remember
- Accept the underlying reasons for the behaviour - brain differences
- respect and accept the characteristics of the child
- Spend time developing a personal relationship
- Search for meaning in what the behaviours are trying to communicate
- Teach the child how to respond to situations
- Recognize and build on the child's strengths
- ** Avoid put downs and power struggles
- "Try differently, not harder". Change gears and try again
- Be flexable in you approach and planning
- Celebrate small successes
The Conflict Struggle
1 - Power struggles occur as a result of a progression of cause and effect events beginning with the troubled child's fragile self-image and feelings of stress and culminating in adult reaction to the child's behaviour.
2 - During the phases of the power struggle, adults often imitate the troubled child's behaviour.
3 - Troubled children have difficulty understanding the reality of the care and support of the therapeutic environment and, as a result often continue to manipulate and intimidate adults.
4 - The Conflict Cycle can be utilized as a model for understanding the dynamics of a specific power struggle in order to avoid escalating of the conflict.
Strategies
- Post rules in simple, short, positive way
- Provide immediate feedback for positive behaviour
- Model behaviour
- Increase supervision and consistent reminders from all care givers regarding appropriate behaviour
Prevention, Intervention and Postvention
>> Prevention activities are strategies that are used with children before the behaviour becomes a major issue.
- Developing and teaching behaviour rules
- Positive versus punitive approaches
- Teaching social skills
- Teaching conflict resolution skills
- teaching anger management
Intervention
>> Intervention activities are those activities or strategies that are used when difficult behaviour has become an issue.
- Reinforcement schedules
- Quiet time
- Daily communication
- Contracts
- Self-monitoring
- Support group
- After-school programs
- Family group conferencing
- Developmental intervention programs
- WEVAS
- Non-violent crisis intervention
- Alternate work areas
- Mentoring programs
- Restitution
Preventing Behaviour Problems
>> Promote the development of responsibility
- Utilize special jobs or privileges as a reward for responsible behaviour
- Encourage children to monitor and correct their own behaviour
- Provide opportunities for success
- Encourage children to work as part of a team
Utilize interventions involving physical space
- Designate an area for 'calming down'
- Provide special seating arrangements
- Maintain close proximity to students who show inappropriate behaviour
- Honour personal space of the child
- Remove distracting objects from children
Take care with verbal communication.
- Utilize a supportive language tone
- Avoid language that is overly authoritative or condescending
- Utilize a rate and rhythm of speech that is even and smooth
- Deliver warning and reminders in a calm manner
Preventing Behaviour Problems
>> Utilize a positive approach to behaviour.
- Utilize a reward system (often verbal) for good behaviour
- Communicate with children using positive language
- Provide individual notes to children
- Provide positive feedback
