Lacking optimism

Relationship rules:

1. The female makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without
prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the
rules are not permitted.

4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the
rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious
misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did,
said, did not do, or did not say.

7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the
female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule
13.

8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no
reason at all.

9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under
circumstances without the express written consent of the female which
is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind
but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.

10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real
or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign
of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him
to be angry or upset.

12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at
the sole discretion of the female.

14. The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.

15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or co-workers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.

16. If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female
is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviours she wishes without
regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behaviour.

17. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defences, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject pleas for mercy and
forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when
accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.