by George
T. Lynn, M.A
"He's so oppositional!
Why can't he just go along with what I ask for once? What makes him think
he's Little Mister Special. His brothers and sisters think he gets away
with murder. It's impossible for me to keep any harmony in our house!"
The legendary "No!
Do it yourself; I refuse!" of A.D.D. children is one of the greatest
stressors that we face as their parents and teachers. Meeting the challenge
of this intense oppositionality requires that we understand its particular
roots in the psyches of children with ADHD and the function that "No!"
serves for them.
How we feel about
ourselves determines how we see and evaluate situations around us. If
we feel up, confident, in charge, we will behave competently and successfully.
If we feel down on ourselves and out of control, we may overreact or flee
a stressful situation without dealing with it. Fortunately, most people
can deal with this feeling of being overwhelmed by stepping back from
the situation and taking a breath. We are able to rise above the tension
of the moment and see the big picture.
The child with ADHD
is different from us in that he has a much more difficult time shutting
down intrusive stimuli; his stress is constant. And, unlike "normal"
kids, his feeling of self-confidence has taken a battering and thus he
is poorly equipped to get psychologically on top of the situation. It
is this combination of perceptual hypersensitivity and low self-esteem
that causes him to be so oppositional. He feels out of control of the
situation and he puts on the brakes to slow things down. Though he may
appear focused, he is not, at the moment, in real contact with those around
him. He is tuned inward, speaking the "No" to the chaos inside
him.
And he has powerful
pushback. Remember what happened the last time you were in traffic and
someone started tailgating you? If you are like many others, your impulse
was to slow down. Pushing back is a human reaction to warn threat away
from us. This is how the child with ADHD reacts to the typical adult strategy
of "bearing down and getting tough" when the adult is faced
with his oppositionality. Pushback. Pushback hard! Never give an inch.
This way of dealing with the world can become habitual.
Things are made worse
if the child is required to do things he is incapable of. Eighty percent
of these requirements are put on him in school. Sit still. Do the paperwork.
Quickly now. Is it done? Be quiet. Stand in line. Don't say "No."
Cooperate and graduate.
It is important not
to blame the teacher. He has thirty other kids to deal with and for his
survival, a certain degree of lock step in the classroom is required.
But the teacher is
complicating the situation by looking at the child's behavior as simply
intentional. "But it looks intentional!" (How many times have
parents heard that assertion?) Oppositionality can look very much like
the kid is just being spiteful. But there is a reason for his behavior.
The way he sees the situation, saying "No" gives him a tiny
bit of order in his life and without that sense of order he knows he will
go crazy.
The child's frustrating
experience at solving problems, the energy it takes, the sense of inner
chaos, and his low self esteem are all factors that make him want to put
on the brakes, to slow the world down, to get people off his back. We
can effectively deal with his reactivity by changing the way we make demands
to avoid the "Yes, NO!" cycle, and by helping him feel more
in control of his life. Observe the following ten principles to create
an interpersonal setting with your child that is conducive to change:
Principle 1: Problem
solving takes more time. Realize that it takes many A.D.D. children more
time to solve "left brain" or "central task" learning
problems given to them. Many adults quickly become impatient with the
child's lack of progress and immediately restate the problem with a more
urgent demand for completion. Feeling threatened and frustrated, the child
will drop his problem solving activity and become engaged in the more
familiar game of playing pushback with the adult. The key is to assume
a consultancy role with him in the learning process in which you make
your assistance available on his demand without pushing. And it is very
important to give him time and space to work through the issue his own
way.
Principle 2:
High self esteem equals collaboration. Get in the habit of noticing what
makes him feel good about himself and build more of these experiences
into his daily routine. This may involve having a special friend around,
working on projects that he does well, hanging out with you or helping
you, or involving him some special passion that is his and his only. A.D.D.
kids are powerfully drawn to creative work and to nature and ecology.
Helping him develop his creativity and spend time "getting his head
together" outside can set the stage for new levels of collaboration
with you. High self esteem increases collaboration.
Principle 3:
Let him choose. Build on his strong sense of inner purpose (a trained
capability of anyone who has to exert continual energy to keep focus)
by giving him choices, not ultimatums. For example, if you want him to
finish a project, say, "Would you like ten minutes or fifteen to
finish your project?" Or, if you want him to get his homework done,
say, "When would you like to complete your homework: after school
or after dinner, so that you can have your friend over?" Giving him
choices gives him a sense of control and it is this quality that is central
to creating a willingness to work with you.
Principle 4:
Defuse his defensiveness with "I statements."
Do not say: "Don't
talk to me in that tone of voice." Say: "I'll be glad to discuss
this when respect is shown."
Do not say: "Stop
arguing with me." Say: "I'll be glad to discuss this as soon
as the arguing stops."
Do not say: "Pay
attention!" Say: "I'll start again as soon as I know that you
are with me."
He will reflexively
follow the lead that you establish through your use of language. It is
very important to avoid cueing a "No...Yes" cycle by your use
of positive language referents.
Principle 5:
Keep your cool. Don't feed his fear of being out of control by getting
out of control yourself. Know your stress triggers and have another adult
available to support you if possible. These kids react best to "matter-of-fact"
communications. When you show anger, they will imitate your affect and
behavior quickly, in an oppositional manner. An ugly battle can result.
Principle 6:
Use moderate consequences. Don't overwhelm him with your reaction to his
misbehavior. Make consequences specific to the problem and dole them out
in small increments. If he refuses to eat dinner with the family, have
him get his own dinner one night a week. If time out is required, make
it for 3 or 5 minutes at a time, not a half hour or hour. Make consequences
follow infractions close to real time. Short term memory problems makes
delayed consequences useless. Loading on too many consequences could make
you a permanent enemy in his mental file of friends and enemies.
Principle 7:
Pick your battles. Only fight battles you can win and don't get hooked
into oppositional arguments. When you notice that you are arguing, state
the desired outcome and disengage quickly. Let him have the last word.
Allow him to cool off. Avoid at all costs what A.D.D. expert Dr. Ned Hallowell
terms "the Big Struggle"! For your own psychological survival
as well as management of your child, you must know in your bones that
you are the adult and you are in charge.
Principle 8:
Timing is very important. Remember, his oppositionality is essentially
a stress response to feeling out of control. He will experience this discomfort
more often when he is tired, his meds are wearing off or he is in social
situations that demand that he behave appropriately. He also experiences
this discomfort when required to do rapid problem solving or after experiencing
"failure" at school. Many A.D.D. kids are most vulnerable in
the afternoon because they have put energy all day into being focused
and may also be experiencing rebound exhaustion from medication at this
time. Give him a chance to relax and come down.
Principle 9:
Help him remember how to comply. In problem situations use "reminder"
language to overcome short term memory problems and increase the chance
that he has the information to comply. For example, to get him to move
out of contact when he is yelling or poking others say, "When you
can show me that you have control of your body by stopping your swearing
and poking and get to your room, we can talk about what you want."
Principle 10:
Get on top of problems early. He may signal you that he is "heating
up to a confrontation" by facial tensing, or acting angry or silly.
Check out what is going on with him at these times and back off if he's
not ready to talk. Get to know the look of his stress reaction.
People see things
through an internal lens that is shaped by how they feel about themselves.
The A.D.D. child's powerful oppositionality is a result of looking at
the world through a lens that is shaped by his internal sense of chaos
and frustration at not being able to meet the demands of his social and
academic environments. By acknowledging his uniquely open perceptual style
and the stresses that this way of being in the world puts on him, we help
him develop collaborative problem solving skills that will serve him and
us well as he grows into his potential.
